Happy Thursday folks. I hope you are well. Today we are going to take a break from #ThursdayThoughts. I want to share something personal that I hope will inspire and help you.
*If you are depressed or suffer from depression, please reach out to someone - a loved one or medical professional like a therapist. Please let someone you deem as "safe" know that you need them. Don't suffer alone. Get the help you need it. Don't be afraid. Please. Love always, Jerrell Grimes *
Here's my letter...(based on real facts, real events)
I woke up early this morning. The clock said 5:42am. My bedroom was dark, except for the streetlights and the headlights from the few cars passing by. As I laid in my king size bed, your presence reminded me of how lonely I am and have been. You hugged me so tight, and I felt nothing. You whispered in my ears, so sweet, so gentle, so calmly, yet you made my heart race and my mind speed up in anxiety. You had me thinking about the death of my cousin and how nobody will love me because I’m not good enough.
I shook my head in disbelief. I JUST woke up! Damn, give me a break! Why would you say such a thing? And as I thought about death, you told me it was real and that I was going to die. You told me that most of the people around me are waiting for that moment. And when I do die, they’ll be there cheering me on as if to celebrate my existence, when I’m gone. But then you said the people who hate me most will probably celebrate because they won’t need to be intimidated by me anymore. Damn, you’re right. Nobody loves me. Wait, did I just agree with you?
Now, I’m crying. You were talking, reminding me of all the times I was alone. Everything checked out. You are right. Now I’m crying from the pit of my stomach. How could you lay with me and still make me feel alone? How you could you embrace me and make me sad? I said, “Leave me alone!’
We must have been talking for hours because when I looked at the clock it was 1pm and I still hadn’t gotten out of bed. You didn’t mind though because you held me close to you the entire time. You comforted me and told me it was okay and that I should just give up for the day because nothing else made sense. You said, “Don’t brush your teeth. What’s the use if you’re going to die anyway?” I agreed. I sat there wondering if I should take a shower. You said, “Nah. Lay here with me. No one cares about you anyway. Who cares if you’re clean?”
So, there we were laying there together, in a funk, literally.
All you wanted me to do is sit silently so that you could have your way with my mind. You kept kissing me saying, “It’s not going to be okay. It is going to get worse. Trust nothing. Trust nobody. There is no use. Let it go.”
Why? Why me? What did I do wrong?
I was so confused. What happened? Last night, before I went to sleep, I was happy. I was excited about life. I actually thought you and I ended our relationship. It’s been years now of this on and off “relationship” we have. Some days I feel like I can make it without you, then other days I feel justified having you around. Especially when you whisper those sweet yet deadly lies in my ear. How do you do that? How do you make me feel right when it’s wrong? I hate you for that.
How did you get in here? I am asking myself, while snuggling up a little closer to you…and crying. I miss my cousin. I wonder if he thinks of me. I wonder what he is doing.
Now it’s 5pm. Damn, time is flying! I guess when I’m wrapped up in your arms time means nothing. Nothing at all. I haven’t eaten anything. I haven’t had any water to drink today.
As the night went on, my phone buzzed, and it was a text message from my sister, checking on me and telling me she loved me. Love? Then I noticed I had a few missed calls, a few text messages, and a few voicemails. But wait, I thought you said no one cared!? I thought you told me I wasn’t important to anyone. I thought you said my life did not matter. I thought you loved me. I thought you were being honest. I believed you! I was lonely and instead of reaching out to who I know cares for me and loves me, you told me to ignore everyone and everything and focus on you. You made me feel like you were the only one that cared about me enough to comfort me. That made me cry more.
I was hungry. I needed to eat. I was tired. I needed to shower. I needed to brush my teeth. I needed to turn those damn lights on. I needed music. I needed water. I did not need you! Still, I was fighting you off me!
It was 12am when it all finally clicked! I turned my lights on and you threatened to leave. As I was brushing my teeth you told me more lies. As my eyes filled up with tears and I gargled mouthwash, I heard you say, “Everybody loves you when they need something. That ain’t real!” Again, you threatened to leave me when I turned on the water to shower. “Look at those scars, you’ve been through a lot. Where were they then?” You just wouldn’t stop! I toweled off and still felt the embrace of your lies. “You know this is temporary,” you said. “I’ll be back tomorrow night. Hell, I might even come back in a few hours. You can’t get rid of me!”
That scared me. I hated myself for realizing you might be right. What if I can’t shake you? What if I start to rely on you for comfort when things get crazy and hectic in my life? Maybe I should just lay back down. Maybe I just give up and let you have your way with me. Maybe it isn’t worth it…
I couldn’t just let you win. I mean, it felt so good in a bad way to have you in my home, but I knew you were bad for me. I knew you didn’t really love me. Like I said, you comforted me. So, as I put my lotion on and thought of a small meal to eat, my hands wouldn’t stop shaking. I wanted to text my sister back and tell her I loved her too, but you kept telling me not to do it! You told me not to tell anyone you were here with me! It was supposed to be a secret. If you truly loved me, why would we need to be a secret? What are you hiding? Why do you want me all to yourself? Something wasn’t right.
As weak as I was, I did it. I decided to text my sister back and tell her I loved her too. I told her when she was free, I needed to talk to her. When she called, I just started crying. I couldn’t say much as she kept asking, “What’s wrong?” She listened to me. She heard every word. I almost felt like she mopped up every tear. Ironically, as I cried and talked, talked, and cried, and cried and talked some more, I saw you in the corner packing up some of your things. The whole time I talked to her, you were shaking your head as if I was saying something wrong. A few times, I was scared to continue talking, not knowing what you might do if I told her the full truth. But I was hurting. It felt good, but I was hurting. I needed relief from this confusion.
I closed my eyes while she continued to talk, while the tears flowed like a running faucet. As our talk came to an end, I wiped my tears and opened my eyes. You were gone.
You never loved me. I can do better than you. I will do better than you. I know you might try to come back whenever you see an opportunity, but just know that I will get stronger! I will be better! I am going to try my hardest not to believe your lies! In the meantime, I am going to accept myself and accept the things I cannot change. I am going to try my hardest to work on the things I can change. You won’t beat me. You won’t keep me. Not anymore.
YOU can fight too! YOU can do better! YOU can be better! One day, one moment at a time. Be gentle with yourself. Life is not easy. Life can be unfair. But the sun is always shining. It will come back around your way, I promise!💓